A Toxic Life

 

(I’m back with full capabilities….so let’s get going again!)

“Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace.” ~ Victor Hugo

“In each family, a story is playing itself out, and each family’s story embodies its hope and despair.”  ~ August Napier

 “Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” ~ Dr. Suess

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

from the Desk of MarDrag: (this is a bit of a long one!)

A few of you wonderful people who post here had a conversation the other day about a topic I promised to cover in a blog. The topic was about toxic situations, friends and family in our lives and how to deal with it all. Here is that blog:

Starting with the Definition from my trusty, dusty Oxford American Dictionary that still sits in an exalted place on my desk, it tells us:

TOXIC: “of or caused by poison; containing or being poisonous causing debilitation; extremely harsh, malicious and harmful”

With regard to Relationships: “harmful to our well-being; damages self-esteem and drains energy”

So, from those definitions, we can glean that toxins can come in many forms that affect us physically, mentally, emotionally, and in thought forms, and all of those can poison and eat away at our souls. Now, we are all relatively conscious of what we put in our bodies and try to keep them healthy physically and working at optimum levels. Even if we eat or drink things that are not always good for us (or smoke), we are aware enough to take reasonable care of ourselves. At the very least, we know what we are doing and are complicit to a degree. We would not, however, consciously drink poison that we know would damage or end our lives as we know them.

But, what about the toxic thoughts, feelings, and people we allow in our lives, minds, hearts and souls? What if we began to open our awareness to those toxins that we allow within us on those levels every day, and take action to release them? So that we can thrive in health and well-being as a whole person.

So many of us have difficulties in our lives with situations, complications, family members or friends, even spouses and children, that elicit some level of toxicity for us….some levels higher than others. And, we are conditioned as we grow up by so many factors – from family and from peers such as teachers, etc., to put obligation and fulfillment of others expectations above our own truth, comfort and well-being. So, we convince ourselves we have to handle it all. We create a “toxic comfort zone” so we can numb ourselves to it in order to maintain the daily activities and thoughts that are required of us. Then, we get comfortable in that toxic comfort zone because, at least there, we know what to expect and what we have to deal with and consider. Outside that zone is the unknown….and our ego will always tell us it is worse rather than better, because the ego thinks it is smarter and it does not want change. The Wiser Voice, who is far more astute, will tell us the truth….that it is infinitely better and we will thrive outside that toxic comfort zone. The difficulty lies in listening to that voice, and taking action.

In our adult life, we might discover this toxicity is the cause of our anxiety and unhappiness, and quest to get past it and retrieve what we have lost of our own lives. We are rarely told to put ourselves first….but that IS the first thing we should do.

Not that we should not consider others, but it is our life to live, and we should consider our lives first because if we are not mentally, physically and soully ok…then how can we be there for anyone else, including ourselves?

Actively think of and choose healthy thoughts vs. toxic thoughts. Keep focus on “positive activity” instead of sinking into toxic places that we do not feel we can get out of. Tell that ego voice you will not listen to its negative rhetoric. This also retrains the mind to look for better ways to think and operate. Start feeding the mind, heart and soul with healthy and nurturing thoughts and create that kind of relationship with yourself. It will affect your other relationships in a positive way, just by cause and effect.

Relationships should nurture us, fulfill us, raise our self-esteem, make us feel good, and be a source we can derive energy from. They should not drain us of our essence, energy and well-being. So if there is a toxic relationship in your life, allow yourself to disengage your emotions and thoughts from theirs (even if you can’t/do not want to disengage physically)……listen to the voice that tells you that you do NOT have to take on their issues, they are not yours and belong to someone else…..and clear those issues from your space. Take command of your space and declare that only positive well-being will reside there. This will make it easier for you to deal with the issues at hand with a clearer, calmer head & heart.

(Where family is concerned…there are 5 personality roles that we and our family members fit into. Knowing what role you, and those in your family hold can help you to understand what adjustments in your thought processes to make in order to deal with them better. But, for the sake of not making this blog longer than it already is, I would have to write about those separately…..if you are interested, let me know in comments.)

So, as you would do a cleanse to release toxins from your body to make it feel better, so too you can do a cleanse of your thoughts, emotions and lives of the toxins that impair your mental health and well-being. It IS ok, even necessary, to release and replenish.

(I do have some very easy yet powerful processes that can help you with this subject. They are not things that I can write about here though. If you are interested in learning more, I do work with people, by phone and in person, to assist with the processes. If you would like to know more about that, feel free to email me at the address on the contact page and we can discuss. I am always happy to help! And, they really DO help! I am also fiercely private and discreet.)

Blessings!

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23 comments on “A Toxic Life

  1. Incredible blog today, Mardrag!! Welcome back – you were missed!

    Listening to my inner voice and getting my mind free from the energy of others is so, so, so hard. Especially if I feel I have been wronged. I have openly discussed a few people that I found to be toxic – my sister, an old friend. But there are a few others. I must be doing something to encourage this toxicity to come into my life. When I read the about “toxic comfort zone”, it hit me! Somehow I managed to live in this toxicity!! Well, not really because my anxieties are indictors that I am not managing very well anymore.

    I think when I returned to my hometown (a little over 1 yr ago) after living in New England for a few years, things came to a head for me. While my hometown is lovely and some peple that live here are wonderful – I feel like an outsider. Those same toxic relationships remained the same, everything remained the same. Except me.

    I have no idea what to do about the toxicity. I am tied to them whether or not I like it. Yesterday I did the self talk that you mentioned again in today’s blog. It worked!!! It worked in two ways. 1. It comletely shut down my anxiety, which still blows me away! 2. I talked myself out of entering into their negative energy. It was *very* hard to do. I can see why you referred to it as retraining your brain. But it was very worth it.

    Great blog – Thank you!!!!!
    oxox

    • Boo- I don’t think you are encouraging this toxicity at all. I think you
      answered your own question in your 2nd paragraph, “everything
      remained the same, except me”
      We all change. and if I may be so bold, I think that as we mature
      we change our position in the family “personality” line-up that
      Mardrag mentions. Except some others in our life may not be willing to
      accept those changes in the family or friendly dynamics.

      Some people never change and are some people are unable to
      accept changes in their environment, which includes the people
      around them. I’ve changed. You’ve changed. imo “they”
      need to accept it and not try to force us to be the people we
      used to be.

      For example, I would like to say to someone I know…..
      “I am no longer the adoring little 13 yr old girl who thinks you walk
      on water.”
      -hope that makes sense.

      • Boobah & NJBev…..you both make sense. And one more little tidbit….we can change and stand in our own space and truth, no matter what anyone elses thinks, judges, or thinks they are missing.

        Some most assuredly will not accepts changes in you or around them….but carry on with those changes as you put yourself 1st in your life.

        If you have things to say to someone but you can’t say them personally….say them in your own mind and know they hold power anyway. Or, write a letter, even if you do not mail it, it still puts it into the universe in a physical way and you can get some completion on it.

        Most importantly, listen to the Wiser Voice and what it tells you! Hugs!

      • NJBev – Thanks for saying that I’m not welcoming the toxicity. That helped me not cast blame upon myself. Also – you stated something that I *know* is true but *scares* me half to death – “some people cannot change”. Why does this bother me so much?? Arrggghhh!!! I think I know the answer. I wish for them health and contentment but see that are in their own way. Or maybe I am a controlling personality. This is an area that I am working on right now. It’s really hard.

        OMG!!! I know what you mean about the 13 yr old thing!! I guess some people just don’t get it. If you wanna, keep venting here. At least you will get it out of your system! Plus I liked reading what you wrote – I found it helpful.

        Oh, BTW – I love that you are bold!!!!!!!! You have a very direct way of speaking that I very much appreciate. I like direct people, period.

        Thanks NJBev!!!

      • Mardrag – I like how you reminded me to “stand in my own space and truth, no matter what anyone elses thinks, judges, or thinks they I am missing.” Man ‘o man – I cannot even begin to express how hard this is! I can get myself there but I’m not able to stay in this mindframe very long. But at least I can get myself there. It wasn’t long ago that I was *mostly* caught up in other people’s thoughts/actions. It still happens more than it should. At least I am aware of it. It is time to put myself first!

        I have written many a letter to different people over the years. It helps me de-escalate and get it out of my system.

      • I know how hard that can be Boobah….but give yourself some time to integrate it. We have had our whole lives to live one pattern, so when changing that pattern, we need to allow ourselves the time we need (which is different for each individual) to make adjustments and then let them take hold.

        The first amazing step though, is becoming aware and making the decision to adjust. THAT is very brave and empowering. Give yourself credit for that as you move forward.

        Hugs!!

      • Thank you so much, Cali! ((((Cali)))) I’m sorry if you have toxicity in your life. It really is an awful feeling. I feel for you too.

      • thanks Boo, i am grateful that less and less toxic people are in my life 🙂 i actually feel for them because they have their own issues to work on or deal with. i am just focus on me and my well being, so i stay away. if they are meant to be in my life, then they will be I guess.

  2. I wish I had one of those computers where you just talk to
    it and it types out what you say(either that or get myself a
    personal asst. or secretary as we used to say in the olden
    times) Because I am too slow, and too lazy to get all my
    thoughts out on the screen-

    Some relationships are so toxic they should be treated like
    a Cancer. Cut them out or they will ruin your life.
    I think this is what Mardrag is basically saying, but in a much
    kinder, more positive manner.

    I’m glad that I have been coming to this site on a much more
    regular basis. You all have been a great help to me and it is
    important that you know that. Just reading the comments is
    comforting as well- to know that I am not alone, and knowing
    that the familiar saying “no one is perfect” is, in fact, the truth.

    I have one last thing to say….. MWAH….

    • I know what you mean about the cancer. I had to end a 26 yr friendship. I just couldn’t do it anymore w/her. I am not proud of the way I handled it because I just cut her out. It was like a lever switched off, and I was done. I just stopped all contact and didn’t respond to her ever again. That was about 18 months ago. There was a last straw event, so I bet she knows what she did. Still tho – not the best way to go.

      I also agree completely with your last paragraph. This is a very comforting and helpful place.

      • I’m sorry about what you went thru with your friend, Boo.
        You know what they say- “sh*t happens” lol.
        But, Quite honestly, I don’t think this is as uncommon as it sounds.
        We all have our “tipping point” and I’m sure you had been building
        up to that point for years. I would bet $100 bucks that if we all
        sat down and thought about it we could think of at least one person
        we did that to and and least one person who did it to us!

      • Agree with this NJBev. I am a Caretaker, so I have had several people (including family) that I have had to do this with. I tried to go back a couple of times and give another chance….but tho I had changed, they were not willing to change or accept that I had. Just had to let them go.

        But, when your quality of life and sanity are on the line, it is the right thing to do.

  3. great blog Mardrag 🙂

    stay away from them, be patient with those we cant get away from AND make sure are safe from them or become them.

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